They’re coming to take me away… Not today, but soon.

Published January 11, 2012 by gettejumpsoffabridge

I honestly think that my husband and kids are trying to drive me crazy. I’m not talking your average sitcom crazy either, I’m saying that these people, who are supposed to love me, will not settle until my ass is committed into a nut hut. I can’t say for sure, but I think the cat may even be in on it. Of course, that could just be my paranoia talking.

I’m a housewife and my husband (Kurt) has a job with the government that causes his shifts to change every three months or so. For the next three months, he’s on second shift and I’m alone with our 12-year-old son (Jon) and the girls (ages 13 and 14. fucking joy) every damn night. Jon is a little asshole. I know, I know, “That’s your child you’re talking about!!! How dare you?!?!?!”. I love him, I really do, but he lies, he has a bad attitude, he talks back, he’s rude, and those are his better qualities. If I were 12 too, I’d kick his ass just like I did Cory Greenwood’s in sixth grade when he stole my fruit roll up. However, I’m his mother and ass-kicking by parents is frowned upon in today’s society. Generally, I rely on technology to keep Jon occupied and to keep me from wanting to beat him. The usual things, video games, iPod, laptop,and cell phone. (Don’t give me your liberal “Those are TERRIBLE parenting techniques!” bullshit. I watched Telly Tubbies and Blues Clues with him when he was little, but now he’s a REAL person and he’s a little bastard sometimes.) It keeps my sanity and his too. He can be intolerable to me with his rap music and smart-ass attitude and to him, I’m “lame”.

Today I got a call from Jon’s math teacher. Jon hasn’t turned in but one assignment in the past week. Well, shit. Kurt has decided to ground him. Not just to the house, no, but from EVERYTHING. No iPod, no laptop, no video games, no cell phone, no nothing.

Am I upset? Yep. Not because my husband’s being extreme (Like I said, Jon’s a little asshole, he deserves this.), but because I have to deal with it and enforce it. I have to deal with the screaming and name calling and door slamming, and dammit, I’m sick of dealing with it! I know being a parent isn’t supposed to be easy, but this fucking sucks!

I hate it when I run into women I went to high school and college with. They’re married, and have kids too. They usually have three or four kids. They, their husband and the kids are all matching and shiny and dressed in Abercrombie and they say to me, “Don’t you just LOVE being a mommy?” I look at my husband in his jeans that he’s been wearing for six years because he refuses to buy anything new unless the old ones fall apart first, my son is wearing “homie” jeans a shirt that’s too big and my husband keeps telling him to pull his “Goddamned pants up!”, the girls are looking disgusted and bored and texting their friends, and I have cat hair on my sweater and bags under my eyes. I sigh, look her square in the eye and say, “Nope.” You may think I’m horrible, but at least I’m honest. I’m trying my hardest to raise decent human beings and feel like I’m failing, and no, I don’t love every second of it. It’s hard and stressful and thankless and I, at 34 years of age, need Xanax to keep my composure half the time. Is that weak? Maybe, but I just don’t care because I’m tired of being strong. I miss being single and eating bad Chinese take out over the sink. I miss it being just me and my husband. Hell, I miss sex. We’re too fucking tired for sex and if we’re not too tired, nothing kills a sex drive like screaming at a 3 kids for 5 hours straight. I honestly cannot remember a time when I wasn’t at least a little bit tired. Thank God for coffee. I’m not sure who invented coffee, but I’d like to give him a “thank you” hand-job.

So that’s it. Welcome to my life. Probably a bit harsh for a first blog, but it is what it is.