Shut up bitch, I don’t like you.

Published January 14, 2012 by gettejumpsoffabridge

Tonight I had a couple of friends, Carrie and Stacy, come out here to the sticks to visit me. It was great. They got here in one piece and weren’t ass raped by any inbred locals. All in all, that’s success. I made a couple of quiches and we ate ourselves into food comas and talked and laughed for several hours.

While we were talking, a photo of a hole that my husband made in our bedroom ceiling (long, funny story I’ll get into another time) was commented on Facebook. This comment got us talking about THAT friend. The bitch that’s your friend, you guess, but really you wish she would just never speak again. We all have them. Either the hypochondriac or the professional student, or the professional mommy… The bitch talks incessantly about one subject (that you could really give two shits about) in great detail. “So Emma just learned how to climb up the stairs at the house so I had to install a gate. Did you know there are 6,000 different types of gates and …” SHUT THE FUCK UP! Or, “I just got done writing this 10 page paper on the molting cycle of crayfish for my biology class and…” YOU’RE 36 YRS OLD BITCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP! You get the point. The thing about this person is that they always want to hang out. Anytime you post on Facebook that you’re going out Friday night, that bitch is going to call and invite herself. Your phone is going to ring and you’re going to think, “How am I going to make this seem unappealing to this girl?”

*Ring ring

Me: “Hello?”

Irritating bitch: “Hey!!!”

Me: “What’s up?” *Knowing damn good and well why the bitch is calling…

Irritating bitch: “I see you and Stacy and Carrie are going out Friday night! That sounds like SOOOO much fun!!!! You guys are a riot!!!! Count me in whatever it is!!!!     *See how she did that? Flattery and assumption.

Me: “Yeah…

Irritating Bitch: “So what’s on the agenda!?!?!

*This is where I, or you, have to do some quick thinking. You have to think of something that she just is not going to want to do. In the past you’ve tried Riverdance, Jeff Foxworthy shows, Opera, Drag Shows… This bitch will go to anything, do anything, and chatter at your ass through anything.

Me: “We’re hopping a flight to Tijuana to catch a donkey show.  Coming back to shoot up tar heroin, then hiring some male hookers for a little scat play.”

Irritating bitch: “Sounds AMAZING!!!! I LOVE scat!!!! Pick me up at 7?”

FUCK.

Your best bet is to just change your number. And delete your Facebook. And quit your job and move too. That bitch can be resourceful.

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3 comments on “Shut up bitch, I don’t like you.

    • That’s almost too mean. Like I have this “friend” (I’m not sure why I’m using quotes) that’s in a nut hut. An honest to goodness mental institution. It wasn’t always like that. She was sane once. Before she lost it, she was cool, we were really good friends. Now she messages me on Facebook and wants to come stay a weekend at our house. I don’t want to come out and say, “HELL NO, your ass is fucking fruity and I don’t need to worry about locking up all sharp objects or anything else that can be used as a weapon all weekend.”, so I always come up with excuses, “We’re super busy right now…” or “We just don’t have the room…”. Those are both lies, but they’re for the greater good.

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